Rain, Faith, and Mustard Seeds

It's 2 AM, and I fight off the heavy hand of sleep.

As a Christian, I felt I should have more faith, but my human self was still so afraid.

The nights brought vivid dreams and nightmares, sleep paralysis, chilling sounds of voices, and a distinct tug on my pillow as I drifted into slumber.

When I share it with others, I feel like a lunatic, as if I were making a mountain out of a molehill. 

'You should pray more,' they'd say.

'Have you sinned?'

'What are your open doors?'

'You must repent.'

So sometimes, I just keep it in.

But like a dam holding everything on my own,  I was meant to break.

I cried out to God, striving to drown the fear, flinching at every small sound.

Then, a heavy rain started to pour, playing a relentless drumbeat on the roof, loud enough to drown out everything else. And I cried again, recognizing the sheer sweetness of God.

He did not reprimand my little faith, my fear, or my final breaking down. Instead, He told me to rest, as He drowned the disquieting sounds and terrible voices with the comforting rain. And in that moment, I understood what grace truly meant and how much I need Him.

I tend to be frustrated by my faint heart, but God is patient and faithful.

A mature faith in Christ isn't a freebie from heaven that falls on our lap; it is a mustard seed grown by the different seasons it goes through.

So even in all of these things, I trust that He is always good, He is in control, and He is always protecting me.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. —1 Peter 1:6-7 [NLT]