Dear Diary: Even If...

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” —2 Corinthians 12:9

Dear Diary,

I'm sure I had a lot of thoughts when I was in the shower 15 minutes ago.

Now that I have to write about it, I don't know where to start.

It has been a while since I really sat down and thought about myself—my well-being, how I am feeling, where I want to go in the future, what I really want, and so on. 

I have kept it all in for the past few years since I started teaching. Or was it only then? As far as I know, I'm not one to really talk about how I feel. I have a self-deprecating humor and I take things lightheartedly in front of others because:

1. I don't want to bother people.
2. I'm not used to stating what I feel because they are often made fun of and used against me.
3. I get sick (literally) if I am physically and emotionally exhausted. That's why I rarely think about myself and what I feel—I can't afford to get sick because I have kids waiting for me at school. So if I have free time, I escape my reality by filling it with nonsense things (reading, watching, just lying down, and sleeping).

If I had been dismissive of my feelings while I was still a student, it got worse when I started teaching.

https://www.brigitte.de/

Giving all of myself to others slowly drained me, until the work I once loved (teaching) became a relentless enemy I had to confront each day. It's getting hard to remember my purpose in a place where you feel unappreciated and not well-compensated. I feel like I'm throwing my life away (if I'm even living at all).

Whenever someone asks me what I love to do, how I spend my time outside of work, what dreams I have, or what I’ve built for myself and my family, I find myself at a loss, with no real answer to give. What a pity, what a waste.

I’ve even put off relationships, choosing instead to put my family and students first. I know I can’t give anyone my full commitment when I come home late and exhausted, already gearing up to do it all over again tomorrow. It’s hard for anyone to truly understand that.

I tell myself that love is something I can do without, but deep down, it’s not a matter of wanting or not wanting. My time, my energy—both are too spent to pour into anything beyond what I’m already carrying. I’m stretched too thin to give a relationship the care it deserves. After all, isn’t love something we all crave, deep down? 

So, I’ve invested in friendships—people who understand me and who share in small escapes from my heavy reality, even if it’s just a quick coffee or a meal. But I would never burden them with the weight of what I really feel; that’s mine to carry alone. I don't open up... to the point that when somebody asks me, "Kumusta ka?" I don't know what to answer anymore besides an automatic "okay lang" or a joke. I don't want to think about how I really am and what I truly feel.

And maybe this is my way of admitting… I’m tired of carrying it all, tired of fighting this fight by myself.

It may seem like I handle everything so gracefully, but that’s only because I never say a word. I never complain. I keep it all inside. I’m as fragile as anyone else—if not more so.

I'm just so so so tired.

 --------- End ---------

What's written above was my entry when I started to isolate myself from God and from my group of women from the church. I trusted no one... not even God anymore! Because if God was so good... why did He allow my life to be this complicated and painful?

As Deonna Tan-Chi said, Satan is an opportunist seeking to make our life's tragedies as a way to make us turn away from God... We are most vulnerable to listening to Satan's crazy ideas in times when we're hurting and going through problems.

"If God is so powerful, why did He not give me this?"

"If God is good, why does He always punish me with these painful experiences?"

"If God loves me, why would He allow this to happen?"

"If God cares for me, why can't I feel Him? Where is He in my life?"

or better yet...

"I am punished because I am so sinful and God doesn't love me anymore."

I felt like God was unfair and He didn't care for me anymore because I had not been an obedient daughter for the past months. Wallowing in guilt, shame, and resentment, I distanced myself from God.

Oh, dear. I wish I could put my hands on the shoulders (or neck, joke) of my past self, look her straight in the eyes, and say this:

The position of our hearts and minds shows us our perception of God... 
Can you buy God's love and forgiveness through praying regularly, attending church without amiss, etc.?

Does God only love you when you're good?

Is your service to God a guarantee of a problem-free life?

If your answer is "yes," then you have a distorted view of who God is and what faith should be.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." —Romans 5:8

“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” —Romans 8:39.

Do you want to read God's verbatim declaration of His love for you?

Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. —Isaiah 43:4

"The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness'" —Jeremiah 31:3

He proves this further by saying that He cares for us and will never leave us:

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” —Deuteronomy 31:6

“He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'” —Hebrews 13:5

You see, God's love is not transactional or conditional. It can never be bought by our human efforts to impress God. I mean—He is GOD. What are our mere human efforts in front of the King of kings and Lord of lords?

Therefore, if the Bible tells you all these things, do you really trust and believe that God loves you, cares for you, knows what's best for you, and that He is in control?

That's where faith should step in.

In the midst of what you're going through, remember Romans 8:28:

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.”

Realizing these things made me decide again that in all of this ugliness and weariness, I'll trust that He doesn't inflict unnecessary pain and that He has a purpose for me and my life.

Because I went through pain, I can now share God's love and offer the hope I found in Him to others who are also struggling.

What I feel now is temporary and necessary for my growth. What God has allowed me to go through, is for my own good and can also be used to bless other people. Everything that happens to me will always be for God's glory, shining His light and love. Moreover, He promised that I am not alone and He will never leave me.

God will not test people beyond their strength, and he will provide a way out so they can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:13

God's tests are merciful trials that contribute to personal growth and perseverance. —James 1:2–4

I am weak. I need Him. Because I really can't do it alone without Him.

If you are going through something, just know that God is with you, He loves you, and He will go with you! Let Him take the battle because He will fight for you.

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today...The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” —Exodus 14:13-14

Sending hugs from one warrior to another, let's fight the good fight & endure in this race!

- Cams

CAMS' FAITH RECOS:

📺"But if not..." Faith by Ptr. Peter Tan-Chi (highly, highly recommended if you're starting to doubt God's love and plans for you. This helped me a lot in sorting out my heart and perception of who God is.)

📖"But if not..." reading material

🎧"Even (I'll Still Praise) Acoustic by Mass Anthem & Genevieve Linkowski 

🎧Even When It Hurts by Hillsong UNITED

🎧Desert Song by Hillsong UNITED