The Prodigal Daughter

You can listen to this song while you read: Run to the Father - Cody Carnes

My spiritual journey has been marked by cycles of closeness and distance. For years, I grappled with feelings of unworthiness, believing myself beyond God's reach. Yet, His relentless pursuit of my heart never wavered. Today, I dare to expose the darkest corners of my heart, not as a victim, but as a conqueror. This is a story of resilience, faith, and the unwavering love of a God who never gave up on me.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.

- Luke 15:20-24

Trigger warning: Graphic Content, Themes of Abuse and Trauma, Alcoholism

Before Christ

My life before meeting Christ was a dark and painful struggle. I was consumed by bitterness, hatred, and deep insecurity. These feelings stemmed from the traumatic experiences I endured as a child.

When I was just six years old, a trusted relative molested me at home. To make matters worse, I was also sexually assaulted multiple times by an older student at school the following year. I felt immense shame and confusion, blaming myself for what happened. Since then, I've never felt safe around men, even with my own father.

My home life was equally chaotic. My father's harsh discipline terrified me, and I witnessed him physically hurt my mother. Their constant fighting created a tumultuous environment instead of a safe one. My mother’s bipolar disorder and nervous breakdown added another layer of fear and instability to my life. She was unable to provide the care and support I desperately needed, especially during her manic episodes. I was still a child, expected to understand everything, but I couldn't. I was always terrified of my parents.

Being constantly compared to my older sister also did not help. Although my sister and I always had a good relationship and I never felt any envy or jealousy towards her, it made me question my parents' love. Does somebody even love me or like me for who I am? Everybody preferred her. I grew up thinking, "Maybe I am unworthy of being loved."

So, when I reached high school and had the chance to rebel, I took it.  As early as 8th grade, I turned to alcohol with friends for comfort, searched for love from a relationship that quickly turned toxic due to my insecurity and unresolved issues, and developed a foul vocabulary—constantly spewing curse words and spite.

I consider myself a church girl, having attended Catechism classes and Sunday schools when I was younger. I always read the Bible in 5th grade before falling asleep and even made Him my best friend, praying to Him when people disregard me. But deep inside, I couldn't feel Him. No matter how many rosaries I prayed or Bible chapters I read, I couldn't feel Him. I don't know Him.

One night, I found my life purposeless and my heart broken. Alcohol couldn't comfort me anymore; people that I considered my friends were secretly stabbing me in the back, and the guy I was dating was starting to get suffocated and tired of me. My family was in shatters. We all decided (together with our relatives on my Mom's side) that Mom should recover back in the province because it's dangerous for her to be here in the city, with people seeking to take advantage of her, just because of her mental state.

In my broken state, desperation, and confusion, I prayed to God in tears for the first time again. "Where are you? How can I reach you? Who will teach me about who You really are? You know, I wanted to know You. But how? Just give me one person to tell me who You are, please." I begged the heavens, desperately wanting to feel a sense of peace, a slight comfort... I wanted to be loved.

Meeting Christ

In 2014, my sister was invited to church, and that's when everything changed for us. She invited me along, and I began a deep and meaningful relationship with Jesus. For the first time in my life, I felt loved, accepted, and treasured. The knowledge of His selfless love expressed through His death and the promise of a better life through His grace compelled me towards Christianity. 

I realized for the first time that I didn’t need countless rosaries, prayers to saints, or frequent confessions to find peace. All I needed was a relationship with Jesus. 

"Jesus answered, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’" - John 14:6, NLT

Religion's strict protocols made us all believe that God is inaccessible, especially for sinful people, so we have to do this and that to get cleansed. The truth is, we are ALL sinners, all the more reason why we need Jesus.

"I didn’t come to call righteous people but sinners to change their hearts and lives." 

- Luke 5:32, CEB

Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests,

along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. 

But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum?”

When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” 

Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: 

I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’

For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

- Matthew 9:10-13, NLT

Looking back, I know God heard my desperate prayers on that difficult night.

I broke up with my boyfriend at the time to pursue my faith in Christ. We had different beliefs; he mocked my belief, although I wasn't focused on religion but on building a relationship with God. I poured myself into church activities, serving as a worship leader and eventually becoming a leader in a discipleship group, where I helped guide others to Christ. My classmates noticed the positive changes in me. I stopped drinking and swearing, and my academic performance soared. I even became the school vice president and peaked at being the Top 2 in my class.

My life was a testament to God's love and transformative power. But somewhere along the way, I became overly concerned with following religious rules and gaining the approval of my church leaders. This legalistic mindset fueled my pride and made me a people-pleaser instead of focusing on pleasing God.

Falling from Grace

I got burned out from serving in the Church. My grades failed because of the demanding ministry at church and I grew tired of the constant pressure of inviting people to church. It made me lose friends, too.

I entered senior high school and felt out of place. Everybody was drinking, cursing, partying, cutting classes, etc. I have kept my integrity, but then I fell in love and disregarded everybody's opinion. I hid the relationship from my church leaders. He was a Christian from another church, so I thought he was my God-given one.

I left my former church to attend his, our attendance getting more and more seldom until we're swallowed by worldly standards. We both stopped attending church and serving because we knew we were pursuing a compromised relationship together. One disobedience led to another until all of my values were compromised.

When I turned 18, at a particularly vulnerable period of my life, I experienced a profound betrayal of trust from the person I thought I was safe with. This continued for years. I could forgive my six-year-old self and seven-year-old self for being assaulted, but I was harsher with my 18-year-old self, who was also equally scarred. How come you never defended yourself? You're grown! Didn't you recognize the warning signs? You liked it too, didn't you? How could you be so stupid? You are just imagining things. Maybe he didn't mean it?

I imagined all the blame and shaming I would receive, so I never told anyone and just endured everything despite feeling confused and violated. The violation of my trust and body left me shattered and struggling to cope, further shattering my views on men, love, and marriage. I vowed I would never want one again, ever. Men who approached me with this ulterior motive further fueled my hatred of men and made me mock the concept of love. I was never even provocative to begin with, and yet, I still get inappropriate attention.

Love? Maybe for other people, but not for me.

I was worse than I was before I met God—I abused alcohol and tried playing and breaking men's hearts by constantly ghosting them and being mean when I rejected them. I joined a circle of friends who were constantly out partying, indulging in perverse talks like gossip and slander, and I cursed way worse than I ever did.

Turning away from God, I find my way to be my own god by turning to occult and divination. I studied astrology for two years, practiced moon rituals, believed in tarot, and indulged in the knowledge of séance, crystals, Wicca, and such.

I felt my mental health's gradual decline—I was so lost.

"When an unclean spirit goes out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when it comes  back, it finds the house empty, swept clean, and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this evil generation." - Matthew 12:43-45

The Prodigal Daugther Comes Home

During my final year of college, I was fortunate to receive a scholarship from the United Neon Foundation, Inc. My sister, a steadfast Christian since 2014, was employed by the company, whose owner was also a devout Christian affiliated with CCF. The foundation's mission was to cultivate future Christ-centered leaders from underprivileged backgrounds.

As a scholar, I was required to maintain academic excellence and participate in Sunday services and Saturday fellowships. The demanding church ministry requirements I had previously experienced created a lingering aversion to any spiritual commitments.

However, God persistently pursued me, offering glimpses of a promising future with Him, in His love. Through encounters with CCF members, He provided multiple opportunities for reconciliation.

I had harbored a distorted view of the church as a performance-oriented and judgmental institution. Yet, my participation in a retreat challenged this perception. I discovered a community of broken individuals grappling with similar struggles: addiction, abuse, and family turmoil. The Unplug retreat revealed that God's call was not for perfection but for an authentic relationship with Him. His presence became my solace and strength. When we fall, we should all the more run TO Him and not from Him. 

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

- Matthew 11:28-30

Give all your worries, imperfections, and past to God. It was a burden He never meant for us to carry. He doesn't promise an easy life—but He promises that He will be with us, not allowing us to succumb to trials and temptations.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

- Romans 8:38-39

New Life

My relationship with my family has significantly improved over the years. My father, once stern, has softened and become a close confidant. His acceptance of Christ through a UNFI-sponsored retreat has been a source of hope for me, though my prayers for his deeper faith continue. My bond with my mother is steadily strengthening through open communication and shared experiences.

I'm grateful for the genuine friendships I've cultivated and the supportive community of my discipleship group. Their unwavering presence has been instrumental in my growth.

As a redeemed soul and educator, my purpose is to extend God's love to others, allowing them to experience the liberating power of His grace.

I am Camille, a prodigal daughter rescued from a life of darkness. Through His immense mercy and grace, I have been transformed from a lost and broken soul into a child of God.